Desperation
by Stessa
Summary: Desperation was a familiar concept to Ashley Davies. She'd been there too many times, visited that place too much. And now she was desperate once more. Desperate to get HER back. Spashley.


**Desperation **

A _South of Nowhere _oneshot

written by _**Stessa **_

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Since Ashley Davies was very young, she'd lived in desperation. After her parents split, she was desperate to see her father as much as possible; desperate to spend time with him, because that way she'd get to be away from her failing mother, who was not as desperate to spend time with her.

Ashley was desperate to get her father's attention, to be the perfect daughter who was just remotely good at what he was great at. She wanted to be able to sing and play the guitar like he could, she wanted to feel music the way he could, and write lyrics that would blow his mind. She was desperate to show him that she could be all those things, but even though she did, it still didn't get him to spend more time with her, he didn't come visit more, she only saw him once or twice a year.

When she got older she became desperate to get her mother's love. The mother who didn't really want her, who couldn't care less about what happened to her, and how she spent her life. She became desperate to please her and make her love her, because it seemed reasonable that she should. And even when that didn't happen, even when her mother pulled even further away from her, she still wanted to make her love her again. Actually, she wanted that more than anything else, because it was the only shot she had at a family still. She _needed_ her mother to love her again.

Even if she knew it would never happen.

Ashley had never had many friends, so when Madison – one of the few whom she'd ever had a real laugh with – suddenly didn't want to be her best friend anymore, she was desperate to know _why_. She wanted to know how come they couldn't laugh and go shopping and enjoy making fun of everyone else anymore, when she was still in that place and wanted to. But apparently Madison had changed (and so had she, according to Madison herself), and there was no room for their friendship anymore, not when they had grown apart.

And even if Ashley knew that she had changed, and maybe they didn't have that much in common anymore, she was still desperate to stay friends. Desperate because it was the only thing she had.

When she met Aiden, she felt as if everything was slowly starting to make sense again. She had someone who cared about her, someone to love, and someone to be the family she had never had – he was everything she needed for it to make sense for a while, and even when they got pregnant, he was there for her, loving her as he'd been all along.

Everything seemed good; they were young, but they were going to have a baby together, they were going to make the best of it; she'd have a family, someone who'd love her for her, and not judge, it seemed like the perfect beginning of the rest of her life. Until she lost it. And the minute she did so, the minute the doctors told her that she'd miscarriaged, she became desperate to have that child, that family, even more than she had been before. She wanted to hold it in her arms, to hug it and feed it and love it, she became more desperate than before, because it was the only thing that she had had to hold onto.

When that didn't happen, Aiden was still there for, through everything, he'd been everywhere with her. And when they broke up because she thought she might be gay, and he suddenly disappeared and she only saw him at school and shared awkward glances with him, she became desperate to be close to him once more, to feel his strong arms hug her tight and reassure her, to have her family with her – she became desperate to be his _something_. No matter what it was, if she just was his something, everything would be OK. But there was nothing of his that she could be; he'd found Madison, and she was a freak, a weirdo, and no one wanted to talk to her.

The day that Kyla showed up and literally took everything she had left away from her and tried to be a part of it, she was desperate to get her out of there. She didn't want to share the good things she had left, and Kyla was only ruining it, as Ashley herself tried to hold on to everything with desperation, every good memory she had ever had. At first she was desperate to get her out of there, though later she became desperate to keep her just so she wouldn't feel so alone again.

For she was desperate to feel something once more, though she was pretty sure that she might have gone numb somewhere down the road.

It was Ashley. Always just Ashley.

Until she met Spencer. Spencer Carlin, who taught her how to love again, how it felt to have someone care so much that they'd do anything in their might for you; the girl who could make her smile and cry and make her every day better no matter how shitty everyone else was acting. She met Spencer Carlin, the girl she could really love, the girl who meant everything to her. But also the girl who broke her heart.

And just like that, Ashley became desperate once more. Desperate to feel those arms around her again, those lips on her lips, that warmth of another body so close to hers. She was desperate to get her girlfriend back, to lie in bed in the evening, and to have someone bring her doughnuts and coffee in the morning. She was desperate to have her affections returned, to get Spencer's love back.

See, Ashley Davies had known of the concept desperation since she had only just been born. She had been there too many times, and had become quite familiar with everything that was associated with it, because she had frequently visited desperation.

She wasn't sure if she should get a permanent house there, though.

She might as well.

....right?

* * *

_Hey, thanks for tuning into another of my pieces where I just play around with Ashley's character a bit. I'm actually starting to get a better feel of her. This has been edited a lot, but I'm still not completely happy with it. I hope you still liked it though, even if it's slightly OOC. _

_**Disclaimer; **I don't own South of Nowhere. _


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